My Big Appetite & Big Tummy

Friday, 20 July 07, 7.24pm in Yotsuya room

Hi diary,
Today I got my first quarrel with my hubby :( The problem is about my forever-and-ever problem, which is about my diet! Well, marriage life is a life without secret between husband and wife. There's nothing you can hide from your spouse, including your big appetite and your big tummy! I've been trying to tahan not to eat a lot in front of him because I know that he doesn't like to see me eating so much. It's not because of the problem of kesopanan dalam makan nor the money that we spend for the food, it's because I'm fat already!! I always look fat on his eyes.. and my sis, nCang, always looks skinny on his eyes although she gained weight lately.. why?

Just now, he found out that one of dorayaki that we bought only left 1 piece. I admit that I ate that one piece! He also couldn't find the donut that we bought today (although it's in his bag), then he accused me that I must be the one who ate the donut. I was so angry.. Why did he make conclusion that way? Does he think that dorayaki's fans must be donut's fans?? Dorayaki is from Japan, donut is from?? America?? They are from 2 different worlds, so it doesn't mean that dorayaki's eater must be donut's eater, agree??

Anyway, the point isn't that one. I was angry because I started to feel that I have no freedom now. Even I need his permission on what to eat, when to eat, and how much I can eat! I started feeling scared.. I have no income now, I feel like I have no power.. I feel so paiseh (malu) if I have to ask his permission everytime I want to buy something, do something, go somewhere. And, I'm a full time housewife now.. I have feeling that I'm a useless person who only can spend money, eat a lot, and 'leha-leha' all the time. I'm scared that he'll expect more from me, like yesterday, he asked me to give him massage after my long and tiring journey that I told you. I told him "Enak aja, aku ya capek bangett". He was okay with my answer but then suddenly I felt that I shouldn't let him down in the future when he's tired after work and I just stay at home doing nothing. He told me that I'm now scared of something that won't happen, but still..

Little diary, how much I explained to him, he won't understand my feeling.

My diary, now is 7.50pm. Honestly, I'm hungry now. My hubby is still busy studying the Japan Law. I don't dare to disturb him and tell him that I want to eat. He will say: "AGAIN??" That topic is still so sensitive now. What should I do? Sleep? Ironing clothes? Playing Sudoku? Arghh..
-Abbie-