Thursday, 30 Nov 06 at 5.25pm in office..
Hello My Little Diary,
I’m still in office, still in my working hours tapi aku nekad aja nulis diary karena aku bener2 lagi suntukkkk.. udah sejak jam 11.30 pagi tadi badanku gak enak banget, ngerasa kedinginan banget, kepala udah mulai berdenyut2 dan berat banget serasa mau melayang.. aku heran juga sih, berat tapi serasa mau melayang! Padahal biasa hanya benda yang ringan yang bisa melayang kan? Pokoknya aku ngerasanya gitu deh..
Manusia tuh aneh ya, mood bisa berganti2 cepet banget.. aku barusan ngliat topic diary sebelumnya “An Extremely Happy Day!” jadi malu sendiri, sekarang aku lagi bener2 sedih, terpojok, ngrasa lemes, dan tidak berdaya.. Aku barusan nangis juga di kantor, sekarang muka bengkak2 cuek aja duduk di kantor lanjutin kerja like nothing happened.. temen2ku pada cengok2 ngliatin aku, liat aja sono.. liat sono sepuasmu!
Anyway, aku ngrasa sedih dan lemah karena aku terpojok ma keadaan.. orang bilang, orang yang mau married pasti banyak masalah, entah itu dari internal maupun external.. Now I experience that feeling, that situation, that desperation, that pessimism.. I feel like giving it up now… and it’s not my first time.. It’s really not an easy position being in between future-hubby, parents, and future-parents-in-law. So many problems.. so many misunderstandings.. so many barriers.. yet so little understanding.. and so little appreciation..
I always try to make all of them happy and live in peace, but I end up being blamed and told off by everyone. Blame me who acts as a super hero and a busy body!!!!
“Stop acting as a hero, Abbie! You think you are Gogle Pink?! Whom are you trying to save? Whom are you trying to protect? Come on, none appreciates your care, none appreciates your super-angel intention! Stop it! Don’t waste your energy!! Do other thing that’s more useful.. Just follow what it should be.. let it flow how it should be.. Don’t try to argue! Don’t try to act smart! Don’t try to do something funny, Abbie! Yeah.. yeah.. yeah.. you are very funny, Abbie.. don’t make me laugh! Look at you, look at you, you’re NOTHING! Just shut your mouth up and do what they tell you to do!!”
Excuse me, can I ask something? You ask me to do what they tell me to do? What do you mean by ‘they’? Who are 'they'? My future-hubby? My parents? My future-parents-in-law? Hahahaha… now I can laugh! Thanks to you! The problem isn’t that easy.. I’m sure you are smart enough to understand what I mean.. Suddenly I remember pepetah Indo “Setitik tinta rusak susu sebelanga”, misunderstandings di masa lalu gak gampang ilang.. if you are lucky, forever it will still in your mind.. if you are not lucky, jurang kesalahpahaman makin lama makin dalam.. makin besar..
My little diary, should I move on? How if the problems become bigger after marriage? I’m really scared! Tiap kali masalah datang dan pergi, ketakutanku makin dalam.. makin dalam.. karena aku tau kalo masalah itu belum pergi, it only acts invisible and wait for a good time to appear again.. Please don’t scare me, I really don’t like playing ‘ciluba’ since young.. please don’t give me any more cobaan, aku hampir ga kuat.. unless you want me to give up??
Cheers
-Desperate Abbie-
No comments:
Post a Comment